How to ruin a perfectly good weekend

These simple steps will help make Saturdays as fun as Mondays

There is nothing sweeter than, at 8 pm on Sunday, looking back at the brief hours of freedom that was your weekend and berating yourself for wasting them.

If you plan the two days well, you will ensure that this mournfulness is the cherry on top of a thick, creamy layer of regret and self-loathing you’ve managed to spread over the whole of your time off.

Did you file the Jenkins report?

To guarantee a miserable weekend, make sure that work is the first thing you think about when you wake up on Saturday morning.

The two days off should be a tranquil Coy Carp pond at the centre of a Zen peace garden. By thinking about a small but unpleasant chore that’s waiting for you on Monday you will be trampling over the flower beds so you can pour a bag of Blue Circle cement into it.

Your achievements define you

One of the most important ways you can ruin a weekend, not just for yourself but everyone around you, is set yourself a vague, ill-defined goal. Or, even better, a series of complicated, yet obscure achievements that run counter to each other, or would take much too long to complete, even if you started one.

For instance, build a boat and learn watercolour painting. Actually, these aren’t very good examples at all. Both are far too specific. Better to set targets such as ‘learn something’. Or even better, simply ‘do something productive’.

As long as your goal remains a washy ‘something’, failure is guaranteed.

It’s also essential to keep reminding yourself that the weekend will be a massive failure, unless you do something creative or meaningful. Without this constant, nagging litany, you won’t have anything to feel rotten about when your alarm starts hammering away in Monday morning.

While your stirring this sensation that you need to do something, make sure you are actually doing as little as possible. The watchword you need to live by is ‘fritter’.

If a task is worth doing, half-ass it

With the whole of the weekend stretching in front of you, there’s nothing wrong with spending time to luxuriate in the tasks that you rush through in the working week.

Spending time to apply consideration and care to a mundane task can reward you with a feeling of contemplation and ease. This is the exact opposite of what you are trying to achieve. It is better to take as long as possible on a quotidian event, while at the same time reminding yourself that there are thousands of other things that are more worthy of your time.

To help me achieve, what can only be described as expert-level frittering, I have developed an intricate level of vanity.

Shaving is perfect for building up a requisite level of self loathing, so that you can make yourself as disagreeable to yourself and by extension to everyone else in the household, too.

Firstly, lather up your shaving brush. There’s no room for the convenience of an electric razor in the world of the soured weekend. Rotate the whiskers in the soap for as long as possible. Not only will this build up a pleasing head of foam, it also allows you to spend a goodly amount of time looking yourself in the eye. This allows you to reinterpret the week that has passed. What better time to turn recent history into a maze of wrong turns and bad decisions that you will never extricate yourself from.

Once you’ve built up a good head of foam and a suitable sense that you’re tangled in the sticky ropes of a life you fell into, it’s time to apply the lather to your face. This is best achieved by moving the bristles in a circular motion from bottom of the neck to the chin, then cheeks and upper lip. During this action, you can build a frantic pace, as you work to obscure that pliant, credulous face that gawps back at you, like a particularly loathsome fish; albeit a very foamy one.

For a particularly distressing shave, use an old razor blade. Despite the careful benedictions of your strokes, as you run the blunt blade over your cheeks and throat, much of the stubble is vexed rather than cut, leaving you with a haphazard and uneven finish.

Not only does this take you a considerable amount of time to achieve, it creates a dissatisfying result, which sets you up for a full day of manufacturing little failures.

As you rub an inexpert hand over the stripes of beard, you also have time to silently condemn your own vanity. Ask yourself how long you wasted on this slapdash shave and question whether your inability to even tackle vanity properly behoves larger failings in your character.

For the best results, also throw the razor blade away afterwards. This should generate a small stab of guilt about the amount of waste you needlessly create. With your sense of the inevitable doom you have cursed the world with, you are ready to achieve nothing productive with your day.

The golden rule

The golden rule for ruining a perfectly good weekend is that the amount of things you do should be inversely proportional to the amount you have planned.

Maybe, use one of the perpetual Udemy sales to buy access to several online courses, which you tell yourself you will definitely start later. Spend time downloading as many of the tutorials as possible. This is also a good time to revisit some of the courses you have previously purchased, so you can feel a brief stab of guilt at the growing number of things you’ve made 1% progress towards mastering.

As long as you don’t give any sense of priority to your impossible list of endeavours and you continue to listlessly flit from meaningless, unimportant task to another, you’ll be well on the way to sabotaging your days off.

It’s time to take a break. One of the most important things about frittering away time is to never keep to your deadlines. If you’ve told yourself that you’ll start your big, creative, productive weekend after lunch, make sure to take three hours. This time is best spent in front of the TV, flicking between old episodes of Time Team, Diagnosis Murder and a Spanish western on Movies for Men.

I always find that, by now I’m beginning to fidget and I’m wrapped in a smothering blanket of boredom.

Take time out

This is always the best time to go shopping.

On good days, shopping is a restorative experience. It speaks to our need to acquire. Something we have done from our hunter-gather days. However, with your sense of disappointment well established, spending time aimlessly walking round the shops can fertilize that seedling of unpleasant anger that sprouted in your heart on waking up.

Visiting the shops is most effective if you don’t actually need to buy anything. The bustle of other shoppers, and the dissatisfaction with the shops available will all help sharpen your mood. None of the uninteresting high street chains seem to have anticipated your nebulous desires; wants that you have struggled to articulate even to yourself.

Once I have reached this level, sometimes I find that my sense of frustration plateaus. When this happens it is best to visit a shop that reflects ambitions you held when you were younger. This might be a record shop, art supplies or sport shop. For me it’s book shops. There’s nothing like surrounding yourself with the fruits of others’ labours to amplify the feeling that you are stumbling closer to the grave through a series of fruitless days.

It’s one of my least favourite things to do: to pace the aisles of Waterstones, each wall crammed from floor to ceiling with books that exemplify the hard work, dedication, stamina and perseverance of its author. This is the perfect place to question your own abilities, measure your own motivations and find them wanting.

Here you are as a mere (best to say it as a dirty word) consumer. Someone who gobbles down what others have crafted and loved. whisper it to yourself until you feel the tears prick at your eyes and you want to run from shelf to shelf, flinging the books to the floor rather than let them taunt your failures and laziness.

If you do find something to buy, tell yourself that this purchase will not make you happy and that any thrill of acquisition will be fleeting. It’s best to do this quietly but insistently, before you reach the cashier.

Time is not on your side

Once you have fretted away Saturday, it is best to remind yourself of your age and see if you can rekindle that existential dread of time falling away from you: an inexorable downpour of days, flushed way and lost. Why not review what you have done with the day? Especially as you’ve convinced yourself tat it’s far too late to achieve anything today anyway. Open a bottle of wine.

Blame is a kind of love

If you are lucky enough to have a partner, family, or even a pet, I highly recommend displacing some of the disappointment you feel about yourself by putting it on to them, instead. After all, in some oblique way it is their fault you spent four hours sitting on the edge of the bed, playing Fruit Ninja, instead of learning to whittle.

Remember, there’s no better way of letting someone or something know that you cherish them by making passive aggressive comments from behind a wine glass. Another favourite strategy is to answer their questions about what’s wrong by saying nothing in a way that makes it 100% clear that everything is wrong and that somehow they are the bitter centre of it all.

Once you have accomplished a miserable Saturday, make sure you promise yourself that Sunday will be different. for best results make sure that you repeat this cycle in its entirety.

Thanks for reading. If you want more ideas for ruining a perfectly nice two days off, you can procrastinate about joining my mailing list.


If you want to start what you finish

Questionnaires are the last place you should start. Especially if you’re trying to find out something extraordinary about yourself. In fact, no matter how hard they sell themselves, multiple choice questions can’t give you insights into your own life. Can they?

If it’s an online quiz, then I’m delighted to take it. Especially if it will help me find out which Friends character I’d be (Gunther), or if I’m good at grammar (mostly). Anything that might tell me something about myself that goes beyond the superficial? Sorry, no, my scepticism gauge just shot up to 100.

It was because of work that I first encountered Belbin and the realisation that, no, I wasn’t a completer finisher.

Continue reading “If you want to start what you finish”


I suspect that the bit of my job that I’m supposed to be good at is actually the bit of the job I’m worst at. so where do my skills lay?
supposedly I was good at poetry. but reading back, 99% of what I wrote was dross. what about the comedy? too chicken do see that through. the marketing stuff I’m proud of: binned by housewife and businessman alike. sometimes I feel trapped. it’s as if reality is wrapped too tightly round me. where I want to be, the things I want to try: remote. they’re distant mountains I climb in my mind. I could do that I think but it’s only based on other people’s stories. it’s easy to climb a picture of everest. impossible to conquer the real thing if the closest you’re going to get to Kathmandu is as a pub quiz answer. what do I want? I want to work for a nice b to c company. somewhere that has a product that gives tangible results tugs real emotions. is that something I could do? I’m good at ideas. good at whimsy. good at talking. weaker on…well to be honest, probably the thing I cherish most: writing. and possibly persuading. sure there are things my mind will  baulk at. places my imagination won’t go. and that’s a problem. how can I sell a benefit of something I don’t believe in. is it that I’m impressed by gloss? the car doesn’t have to be fast as long as it’s shiny? so once you’re actually under the bonnet of the thing, and there’s no shine is that what makes it look naff? or am I only interested in the gloss: the sort of narcissist who doesn’t care to think about things too deeply? Satisfied with the easy answer and ince it’s been said there’s no need to say it again. by which I mean, Richard fenyman tells the story of the plating company: they gold plated everything even if the gold wouldn’t bond. I think that’s a confidence trick. a lie. so when I see the faults in the product, how the guy in despatch scratches his arse inside his pants before picking up the goods. when I learn about that bit that wobbles which everyone’s been getting round to fix do I get the feeling that actually what we’re trying to punt is a load of shit? are there any products or services out there that don’t have that wobble or the dirty hands over them at one point? no. probably not. so by that logic I’m never going to find the company that’s the perfect fit. if the glass is always half full, no matter how ornate the glass is, I’m never going to be satisfied with the measure of what I drink.
Hilariously for someone who works in publishing, I’m not a details man. Or that I mistake complexity and long-winded Ness for detail. Given the job of describing a tree I’d instead describe the woods. Easier to skim over details than have to wrack my brains for the perfect words to describe the lizard-skin bark, the waxy green leaves that shine like polish.  See the hectic thatch of a bird’s nest snuck into the crook of two branches. It creates a strange stirring of sexy, looking as it does like a public bush. And the way the branches split, each one a cleft. Trees make me think of sex!


Ice, ice baby

My wife is so self-possessed and independent that often it feels like I’m an optional extra. It’s very clear to me that she could get by perfectly fine without. This morning, it was frosty outside and the car windscreens all had a glaze of white frost. Today is my day for staying home from my shitty job because my boss can’t afford to pay me. So there’s no need for me to step out into freezing black of a January morning at all.

Except there’s the frost and I want to help my wife. “There’s no need for you to come down”, she says.

“I know, but I’ll scrape the ice off the windscreens for you.”

The plan that I’d sketched out in my head involved me scraping the ice off the car, while she sat in the car, heaters going. The point was that she didn’t have to go through the strenuous and unpleasant chore of de-icing. But, as I said, my wife doesn’t really need me. So instead, while I vainly chipped away at the ice with the scraper, she fished around in the car’s boot and found the can of de-icing spray.

So now we’re both outside de-icing her car. In fact, she’s used the can to melt the frost from all four side windows and the rear window, while I’m still scuffing off the driver’s side of the front windscreen.

With a flourish of fine liquid chemical spray, she demolishes the icy build up on the passenger side of the front windscreen.

“All done” she says, before lifting the wipers to ensure that they’re not frozen too. I want to say “I’ve done that already”, but she’s ushering me back inside. As I turn to wave to her, I see that she’s rescraping the area that I’ve already de-iced. So, not only are my efforts slower than what she can achieve on her own, they are also substandard.

My realisation that I am to all intents and purposes superfluous is not a giant ice-tipped bolt that stabs me through the skull like frozen urine dropped from a passing airliner. There’s no sudden incredulous gust of understanding that roots my inconsequential self to the spot. This is more like a gentle reminder.

After all, she doesn’t even know that I’ve seen her working over my contribution to ice-free driving vision.

That I don’t bring anything at all useful to our relationship is something that I’ve long been conscious of. Other than companionship, flatulence and a warm place to put cold feet, I don’t really add anything at all. Let’s be frank about the attributes I do bring, these can also supplied by a dog. The only thing that I’ve got that a dog hasn’t is opposable thumbs, so I don’t get trapped behind a closed door quite so often. Although, to say that it never happened would be to stretch the point into fiction.

It’s amazing that this confident, strident and independent woman not only has me hanging around but that she does things with me. More amazing again, quite often she does things for me – things I’m capable of doing myself, but not to the same sort of standard that she expects. Sometime marriage feels like the most comprehensive case of Stockholm Syndrome ever diagnosed. As a husband, I sort of have a sneaky suspicion I know what the kidnappers felt when Patty Hearst was better at robbing banks than them.


Are you happy with your current work?

It is the perfect place to exercise my considerable herd of what ifs and cultivate a large crop of if onlys. Failure seems to be the endemic end to all the company’s efforts. This gives me lots of time to work up reasons why none of this is actually my fault.

If only the data was better; our landing pages are a disgrace; the website doesn’t communicate our USP; if only we could plan better.

But our return on investment languishes between 0 and 0.01%, so there’s the strong possibility that I am terrible at my job. And if I am incompetent? I am almost 40, and have always seemed to languish. You see I possess the bitter mix of laziness and self-doubt. I will read the 10 ways to ace your copy, but am then too nervous to put this learning in place.

I am convinced that I know my stuff. So why do I struggle to put all this knowledge to work? Am I really too timid to take the advice that I give to others so generously? Or is it because I’m bone idle: full of amazing ideas, as long as others suckers put in the hours? I think, on balance, it’s a generous dollop of each.

You see, this is the fertiliser that I can spread on the neat rows of if onlys. I am busy, weeding out green shots of work. It is great, spending days basking in the loamy stink of wistful plans. stopping constantly to lean on a gate and think maybe some day. But not today.

I’m passive you see. Never one to act upon, instead I am acted upon – the beach, not the sea; the wheat not the wind. As a child indecision would paste me to the spot. I never wanted to go. No. Wait: I want to go…No, wait.

And so it goes on with life. The days have churned on, thickening in to weeks, setting and settling: months. Years. And still I am there in the spot: wait…go…no…wait.

Everything I’ve achieved, that small savings account of successes, was because I tried. And on the whole, trying brought me some success. That should really be the lesson in itself. Was it Woody Allen who said 80% of genius is just turning up? Yet, more often than not, the red cheeked farmer with his lazy crop of perhaps and but if, is there leaning on the fence. He’s happy to chew a piece of stereotypical straw and say why bother, and anyway, it’s not your fault.

See, here again: standing still and polishing up some handy excuse as to why it’s not my fault. Who is this lazy farmer, fat on subsidies and  content watching his herds get skinny and blight chew through his crop? Who is this country gent?

It’s me. Of course. Me, hiding behind my imaginary farmer. Me, lavishing twenty minutes on kicking shit off the heels of my boots. It doesn’t seem the best strategy does it. Okay, the company’s problems are not all on me. If that’s the case then maybe it’s time to move. The longer I stay there, the more I seem to be part of the problem.

If what I’m doing isn’t getting results because  of poor websites, raged data and bad planning, then go somewhere that isn’t tangled with these problems.

But if suddenly the blocks all get pulled down, but I still struggle to achieve good results?

Well, I’d better find myself another trade, I guess.


Bad dreams

If the details change, is it still classed as a recurring dream? Because the intricacies of plot differ, but my friend dream always keeps its theme consistently. The point my subconscious wants to ram home, night after night, is that I am a bad friend.

Other people’s dreams are dull – their inner surrealism is only magical to themselves – so I will avoid giving a detailed account. The précis is this:

I agree to meet an old friend in a familiar place. But when we meet, the old friend’s smiles become jeers. They expose the indifference that I have shown to them and remind me of every unfriendly act, missed appointment or unkind word. They are lyrical on my hypocrisy. Then they disappear. Popping up occasionally to remind me what I prick I am, as I try to navigate through the once familiar place, which has now mutated into a maze.

For years the disdainful friend was D*****. Now it is Rachel.

At university, I shared a flat with Rachel for three years. She was a well spoken, well behaved young lady. An enthusiast, she wore thick, green woolen stockings, fussed, muttered to herself and made coco at bedtime.

Even as a student, Rachel had the air of someone who would eventually make jam and chair WI committees. She was church-going, small c conservative, CofE right down to her range of plaid, knee length kilts and flat soled shoes. Does that sound dismissive? It’s not meant to be. I loved her in a clumsy, brotherly way.

No, not brotherly. She had the practical, enthusiastic charm of a favourite aunt. Or more likely, I did not have the brains required to analyse our relationship, at all. At the time, Rachel simply existed in the twin states of ‘friend’ and ‘house mate’.

I can’t remember what Rachel studied. Whatever it was, she did it with a sense of industry that meant her lectures were all attended, her books got read and her essays arrived on tutors’ desks proofed and on time. Her approach to study sat awkwardly with mine.

In fact, her ethic and elbow grease was a stark contrast to my more loutish, ramshackle approach. In my studies, diligence and hard work were remote destinations. Like Paris or New York, they where places I had heard of, but hadn’t visited.

If I hadn’t been wrapped up in the storm of ego and chemicals that made up my career as a student, I would remember more about Rachel. What she thought, felt or believed in.

Instead my memories of her are defined by her relation to me, rather than as a separate, complex and interesting person in her own right. But who has the time to appreciate others? I had a torrid infatuation to worry about. A pointless and painful obsession with our other flatmate Lisa.

When Rachel returned to University for our final year, she had fallen in love. By the time we graduated, she was engaged. Was she married that summer or the one after? Does it matter; although I accepted the invite, I didn’t go. And that is something I will always fund shameful about myself. Nor did I apologise or explain my absence. I find that even worse, the reprehensible acts of a coward.

This all happened before social media. Rachel got married a year before I even owned a mobile phone.

It’s been 15 years since I last saw Rachel. If there was a big goodbye, the memory hasn’t stuck. It’s the ephemera of the last day at university that remains: piling the flat’s collection of empty wine bottles into an old potato sack; the panic that we’d not be able to empty out a year’s supply of other junk; that no one would get their deposits back. But no goodbyes.

I am sure Rachel is out there, carting well-adjusted, bright children to recitals and drama club. She is in her kitchen, sterilising jars, or in Waitrose buying frozen fruit, for jam. And part of me wants her to stop and suddenly think ‘I wonder whatever happened to James?’. But on the other hand, I’m not sure I deserve her time.

Other people keep hold of their university friends. All over the country, sideboards groan with photographs taken a yearly reunions. But not in my house. As my dreams remind me, I am a friend. not a good friend though – good friends are the one’s you get to keep.